Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
you mean i was at the winter classic?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
