nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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