ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
