guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
My feet surprised me
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
