I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
