Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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