Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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