Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
