so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
