I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Randomize
