Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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