Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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