Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
