i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I touched a dick in church today
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
