"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize