My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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