This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
