we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Two words: nipple clamps
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