i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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