in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
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