Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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