i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
