Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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