Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
