I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
