There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
