We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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