My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
