"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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