I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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