brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize