I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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