After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
