I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Randomize
