I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
