then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
