I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
