I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
