It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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