Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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