its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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