nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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