I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
