K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
