Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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