I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
