Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
