What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
