OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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