I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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