its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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