Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
