she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Randomize
