You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
