All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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