He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
