i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
