Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
