Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize