i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
she peed on how many people?
you inspire me to be a worse person
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Randomize
