the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
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