Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Randomize