Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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