The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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