i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Randomize
