peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
