I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
