my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
